


You and Kaidan

by Karyukai



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Gender Neutral, Humor, Humour, M/M, Romance, Second Person, Sex in Space
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-18
Updated: 2013-12-02
Packaged: 2017-12-29 18:39:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1008714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Karyukai/pseuds/Karyukai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Things are going to hell, it's tough to buy your own propaganda, and things between you and Kaidan are one hot, frayed mess. But he's all you need to keep going. You have to fix this. You have to feel him in your arms again. C'mon, Shepard, you can do this. /gender neutral, fluffy angst romance and smex. Set after Citidel: Priority 1.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Nightmares

**Author's Note:**

> I'm hoping this story can be accessible to everyone, male, female or other. If you're a m/m Shenko fan I've written this with the headcanon that Kaidan and m!Shep had some form of relationship in ME1, even if it was just confused, secret, stolen, impulsive moments. I hope you enjoy!

“Kaidan...” you whisper, lilting your voice.

He sits in a cream-leather chair, head drooped on one shoulder, snoozing. The dim lighting casts shadows across his skin and for a moment you think his life is written in every mark, freckle, and line. You straighten up and sigh, unable to resist smiling.

As you watch his chest rise and fall, the tension in your shoulders melts away. _He’s here._ After everything, Kaidan is here—with you—on the Normandy. A tingling warmth fills your stomach and curls throughout your chest, wrapping your heart in contentment.

Kaidan.

You notice the streaks of grey above his ears and the laugh-lines around his eyes, not completely smoothed away even in sleep. Neither of you are young any more, not as young as you used to be. Not as young as when you met— _soft hands, chaste kisses, fewer scars, burning and entwined and sleepless with glee._ It seems a lifetime ago.

You take a deep breath, place your hands on your hips, and pace to the window thinking: _I’m only thirty-one_ , but inside you’re much older. You’ve lived forever, you’ve lived twice, and yet you haven’t really lived at all.

Stars glitter beyond the window and in every endless direction. Are there as many stars as there are people? A wave of regret threatens to puncture the peace Kaidan gives you, as a list of names scroll through your mind. Too many names and lost faces, you feel each one like a bullet wound. You tried so hard, goddamn did you try, but it wasn’t enough. Too many wrong decisions, or slow reactions, or stupid calls, or...

Blaming yourself won’t change anything, but you have to blame something. _Reapers, blame the Reapers._ You screw your eyes shut and recall the red hologram of Sovereign, way back on Virmire. You’ve seen enough of the bastards now, but for some reason his glowing form is the only one you can recall with vivid detail.

The tension returns to your shoulders, knotting your neck, and you fold your arms. Another deep...deep...breath...

Opening your eyes, you look back at Kaidan. _He’s here._ It doesn’t matter what may come; so long as you don’t lose him, too, you can keep going. The Normandy crew is your family and you would never abandon them, but Kaidan is your heart. You’ve heard that it’s bad to centre your happiness on one person, and that it’s dangerous to need someone the way you need him, but when you’ve lost so much and the universe is turning to you for answers you don’t have... Is it so bad right now?

Looking at his handsome face, you decide, _no_ , you need _something_. We all need to hope for something. And all you want is to _live_. You want to live with Kaidan.

He stirs and air whistles through his nose. Your smile returns. Time stands still. It’s quiet in here, the distant engines purr inside every wall and the air-system hums like a sea breeze. The sea... Thane’s voice ripples in your thoughts, dispersing the last wave of hope you’re clinging to. He’ll never see the Reapers crushed. He’ll never know if his son lives to see a brighter future. He died trusting you and despite your promises, every word had been hollow.

Tears clog your throat and twist your lungs as the names begin to scroll again. Unable to stand it, you rush to Kaidan’s chair, drop to one knee and stroke his arm.

“Hey...” you gush. “Rise and shine.” You massage his skin beneath your fingers, memorising the texture and reaffirming your connected—deeper than touch, deeper than whispers and secrets and vows.

Kaidan blinks and stretches his stiff neck, as if awakening from being cursed to sleep in stone. His bleary eyes register your face, and he smirks. No words needed. But then he looks, really _looks_ at you, and the sunshine in his smirk fades.

“Hey, you alright?” he asks, musky with sleep. His hot hand slides up to your shoulder, up your neck, and his fingers brush you like a pianist stroking well-worn keys.

“Yeah,” you croak. Good job, very convincing. You close your eyes and feel tears rush over your cheeks, escaping the first chance they get. _Ugh_. You brush them away, wipe them on your uniform, and rub until your cheeks are dry, all before Kaidan can even think to do it for you.

“Shepard...” he breathes, and leans forward. Ah, no one says your name quite like he does. You smile a real smile, stretching the age lines you know are there. His concern is evident as his hand cups your cheek, and it’s then you realise what you need.

“Will you...” No, maybe you shouldn’t ask. Things have been rough, and he’s only just starting to trust you again. White hot pain lances through you at this thought; this repetitive thought that makes you miserable in the early hours of the morning. You just want him beside you. Another soul to comfort you when the lights are out.

With his free hand, Kaidan finds yours. He kisses it, leaving behind a gentle, invisible imprint. “Will I what?”

You can’t say it. You shouldn’t say it. The words tremble against your lips, but _it’s too soon, don’t ruin this._ You shake your head, dismissing what you started. “Did you sleep okay?”

“Yeah,” he says, “but I think I slept for too long. My neck...”  Kaidan stretches his neck back and forth, then stares into your eyes with unflinching openness. He takes up both your hands now and strokes them absently. “So, what is it? You can tell me anything, I’ll always listen,” he says.

Say anything—anything but the thing you want. “I miss you.” Good start, roll with it, be honest. “You’re here, but I don’t feel like we talk enough.”

He thinks about this, takes it in. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. We’re both busy, we’re both tired... I don’t mean to shut you out. I’m sorry. I guess I’m just so preoccupied with my work that... I guess I need to learn to take a break, but somehow you keep on going and I feel like I should as well, and... That’s not to say that—what I mean is, I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.”

It is his fault, he won’t talk. No, it’s your fault, you don’t ask the right questions. No, you both suck. _Ugh_ , this isn’t what you want to discuss. You want to skip over the whole uncertain dance of ‘getting to know one another’ and press against his body, chat benign crap without feeling awkward. You _already_ know each other.

Kaidan pinches the bridge of his nose and kneads his eyes. “When I’m not working, I start to feel useless,” he says. “I don’t like stopping for too long, because everything gets on top of me. All the people we left behind on Earth, my squad out there fighting while I’m sat here,  my parents...”

You nod. “I feel that,” you say. “I understand.” Taking a deep breath, you decide to at least talk around your nagging request. “I can’t sleep at night—I have nightmares.” Admitting this seems childish, but already you feel some relief. “It’s always the same with slight variations. I can’t run fast enough, everything’s grey, ashen, and shadows of people are everywhere like they’ve gone for a stroll in the park. And then I burn alive, and I’m holding a child I saw on Earth...right before we left.”

Kaidan sighs and moves to the edge of his chair. He strokes his thumb across your cheek and, after all this time, you think you’ve never felt anything so wonderful. Your eyes close and a smile returns. His touch sends bliss tingling down your neck and between your shoulders, but when you look at him again, Kaidan is not smiling.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers, studying your face. You know he’s sorry you’re not sleeping but, in the back of your mind, you wonder if there’s more he’s not saying. “I wish there was something I could do.”

His gaze flickers to your lips and hope bursts wild, ragged, and raw beneath your ribs—it burns like, well, a nightmare. You focus on maintaining shallow breathes. _Kiss me_. _Let me kiss you._ It’s been so long that you can’t remember how good his lips feel, you just know it’s true. The memory of his mouth against yours is a whisper, warm and soft and fading.

“Kaidan...” From the heavy frown on his face you can see he’s as unhappy as you are. He squeezes your shoulder, then clasps his hands as if to stop himself from touching you any longer. _Perhaps I’m being unfair to him_ , you think. You’re not acting like yourself.

“Thank you,” you say, and rise to your feet. The tension returns to your limbs and sickness swirls inside. Kaidan straightens and tries to look cheerful. “I didn’t mean to lay my problems on you, but thanks for listening. I appreciate it.”

“Any time, Shepard.” He gets to his feet. “You know where I am.” Unable to hold your gaze, he brushes past and leaves you standing in the Observation Deck.

You hold your head high, hold your breath, and hold onto whatever dignity you have left. You’re Commander Shepard, you’ll be fine.

* * *

You’re not fine. Everything’s going to crap and you still don’t have answers—you don’t even know what ‘the Crucible’ is, yet. Time is slipping through your fingers and the pressure of it all crushes you each morning. It’s getting harder to roll out of bed, _what’s the point?_ but of course there’s a point. We have to try. Our lives are the point. Kaidan is the point.

Make a list of all the things that have to be done today. Tasks you can delegate, missions you can achieve, missions you probably can’t...

Wincing, you lean over your desk to scribble it all down before the day kicks off. Your bruises don’t fade any more, there’s barely time to rub omni-gel on them before the next assignment, but it could be worse. You could be another name on the memorial wall.

List complete, you straighten up, stretch, practice smiling and search for that spark of energy that gets you through the day. _It’ll be all right._ A light blinks on your terminal: 83 new messages.

“EDI, can you separate my messages into sub-folders?”

“Of course, Shepard,” she responds, her bodiless voice filling the cabin. On the monitor, information alters and shifts as if by itself, and in moments, it’s done. “Messages from the crew are highlighted orange,” EDI says. Man, her voice is soothing. It’s easy to forget this now that she has a humanoid body, wandering about the Normandy. Maybe you should ask her to read you to sleep one of these days, it might help.

“Thanks.”

You click the orange folder. No matter what it entails, you love getting messages from the crew. Their needs come first, period.

“Will that be all?” EDI asks.

You nod, uncertain if she still has ‘eyes’ in your room. “That’s it for now.”

“Logging you out, Shepard.”

Nine new messages? Wow, you’re popular today.

Wait.

 

 **New Message:** Dinner

 **From:** Kaidan Alenko

 

Dinner _?_ What dinner? Is he proposing to have dinner _together_? Like, a date? _Dinner_?

Do you save his email for last, or open it right away? Now or later, you’ll be thinking about its contents. Best not to read everyone else’s messages when your attention is divided. You open his first.

 

_Hey Shepard,_

_Sorry about last night. I don’t know about you, but I could sure use a little breather._

Good call.


	2. Sanity

Even when damaged, half on fire, and up-to-your-eyeballs in security procedures, the Citadel is still beautiful. A kaleidoscope of blues and purples, moving pictures, plant-life (you miss that on the Normandy) and soothing, well-balanced lights.

Last time you were in this ward, you were blasting holes through Cerberus infiltrators. You straighten out your casual uniform and fiddle with the belt clip. You’d rather hide in your armour—cosy, covered-up, and protected—but you know it can’t shield you from Kaidan. Whatever he has to say, you’ll just have to take it. _Be an adult._ No, you’d rather not be an adult. At least the Alliance pays your bills.

He’s visible from the top steps, sitting by himself at a table for three. His hands are clasped and most of his weight is leant forward. Kaidan rubs his hair, rearranging it in places, and then massages his face. At least he’s nervous, too. You stand there as long as you dare, grinning. A date with Kaidan Alenko. God, what are you? Sixteen? 

You rap the banister, then head down the steps and stride on over. You’re so stiff you feel like the epitome of great posture. 

“Hey Kaidan,” you say. That came out smoother than expected. We’re off to a good start. Butterflies tumble in your stomach when he twists around and beams at you. Out of everyone in the food court, approaching Kaidan is like greeting a celebrity. Wait, aren’t you the celebrity? This makes a pleasant change. Everything about him captivates you and you haven’t even sat down yet.  _Slow down there, Commander!_

He remains focused on the data board in his hand and says, “Surprised this place can still get supplies for a menu like this.” Kaidan always was good at launching into chit-chat.

Grinning, you slide into the chair beside him. “Maybe it’s best if we don’t ask how...or _where_.”

Setting aside the menu, Kaidan leans on the tabletop and meets your gaze with steady, whiskey brown eyes. Giddiness rushes inside, right up from your boots to the curve of your neck. You can’t help but shy away, he doesn’t look nearly as nervous up close, so you take the menu and focus on that instead.

“I’m glad we’re taking the time to do this,” he says, smiling. _Ah! That smile._ “I could use a sanity check.”

 _You and me both._ Probably better you don’t admit that out loud. “Things have been pretty crazy,” you sigh instead.

And then, just like that, he shatters the pretence that you’re here for small talk.

“You know, my life flashed before my eyes on Mars—and...” Kaidan glances aside and his smile saddens. A harsh tug fills your chest as you see flashes of Kaidan being hammered to death against a burning shuttle. You frown. Something like that can’t ever happen again, the grief alone might destroy you. He meets your eye once more. “There weren’t enough moments like this, with people I care about.”

You tense. Your heart soars, your stomach swoops, but hold on. Where is this going? Don’t open your mouth and say something stupid, Shepard. Keep a neutral expression, c’mon, you can do it.

“How are you feeling these days?” you ask. What you really mean is: _can we fix this? Do you want me? Please say you’re lovesick. With me, of course._

He nods and flicks his wrist. “Feeling up to whatever the Reapers throw at me.”

Huh, well, he sounds better than you right now. Christ.

A smile softens Kaidan’s eyes as he adds, “And grateful that I convinced you to sit down for half a second and relax.” Cheeky bastard. It’s hard to deny though, you don’t exactly stop to admire the view very much. Whatever you do see of the Citadel is usually in passing during a quick march, when you don’t have the energy to jog to and fro any more.

“Yeah,” you say, and finally look him straight in the eye. “I think it’s a good time for us to have a heart-to-heart.” You mimic his posture and lean forward, clasping your hands together just to make sure you’re sturdy for whatever he throws at you. _Keep it light._ “What are you drinkin’?” you tease.

He chuckles. “If you’re trying to butter me up, it might take a nice steak sandwich too.”

“So...”

“Shot of whiskey and a good old Canadian lager,” he laughs. “Think they have it?”

You pretend to look at the menu and raise an eyebrow. “More likely to have Batarian Shard Wine.” Your mouth dries up just thinking about the cool, greenish beverage. _No_ thanks. But shooting whiskey wouldn’t go amiss, the staccato rhythm against your chest is starting to make you dizzy.

“At my parents place in Vancouver, we drank more than a few beers on their balcony, looking over English Bay.” He gazes off over the balcony of the food quad with a gentleness in his eyes, almost like he’s looking over English Bay right now and he can hear the hush of the waves, feel the sea breeze across his cheeks. You admire that fleeting, gentle look and try to memorise it for later.

“Yeah,” he says, “beautiful view...”

Yes, it is.

He turns back to you, full of vigour. “You know what, though? I feel good about our chances.”

 _You what_? What news station is he listening to, it might pay to tune in yourself. Still, hearing him say that reawakens a flame of hope, the one you pretend still burns bright inside. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. Lets me sleep better at night.”

“You not sleeping, Kaidan?” Why the hell didn’t he tell you that last night? You felt so stupid after admitting the same thing that you kicked yourself for hours after getting into bed.

“Maybe a little restless... At least, nothing to really freak out over. You have it worse, so, you know...”

 _Eech_ , yeah, great. You stare at him, unsettled that he’s now more interested in the colour of the table, and you find that, actually, you don’t want to speak. You’ve done enough talking and negotiating and appealing to last a life time. It’s his turn. So you wait a moment longer, nerves twisting tighter in your stomach.

At last, he speaks. “The war isn’t the only thing keeping me up at night...” You hold your breath. “I wonder about us.”

GOOD. CRAP. DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG... SHIT, WHAT NOW? WHAT ELSE, ALENKO?

“Us?” you repeat, not batting an eyelid.

 “It’s just—you plan a career, you focus, then suddenly the world’s ending and it’s too late to...say what you should have said sooner. It’s too late to find time with someone.”

Is he turning you down before you’ve even tried? What does he _mean_ by that? You hold your breath again, trying desperately not to panic. “What should you have said?” you manage to ask.

When he looks up at you the universe shrinks into this everlasting moment and all your breath escapes in one long, shallow take.

“I love you, Shepard. I always have. I wanna understand what this is between us...and make it real.” He huffs and your heart almost splits in two as he tries to hide how vulnerable he feels. His voice deepens with the effort. “That’s what I want. What do you want?”

How can you possibly put into words what you’ve been wanting? _Everything_. Everything to do with him and every kiss that’s gone unshared since your death. The intensity of this radiates in the tone of your voice as you try to pour these pains into each word. “I can’t bury what I feel for you anymore. And I don’t want to. I miss having someone to turn to when things get grim. Someone to live for. That’s always been you, Kaidan.”

Kaidan takes your hand in his and you grin at each other like idiots, which you are, really, given all this song and dance just to admit, ‘ _hey I still like you, is that okay?_ ’ Adults. Sheesh.

“And that,” he places your hand against his scuppered cheek, “makes me so happy.”

Makes _him_ so happy? It’s an effort not to jump out your seat and shout about it to the whole presidium. Your smile stretches to the point of pain. It’s a nice feeling.

“And there are benefits to that happiness...” he whispers, kissing your palm.

Oh man, what politician did you make happy to hear all this in one sitting? Heat blossoms down your thighs and rushes through your chest. It’s an effort not to dive across the space between you right then and there. You pull his hand towards you instead and clutch it to your chest, where the hot, entwining, magnetic need for him is strongest.

Kaidan laughs again. “But more on that later.”

“Later?” you exclaim. “We need to get back to the Normandy, ASAP.” Just as you push back your chair, ready to run off with his hand clenched in yours, the waiter pushes between you both to place your orders down. You let go of his hand and the feeling of _need_ grows stronger.

“Ah, too late!” says Kaidan, amused by your struggling desires. “Our drinks are here, and...I’m gonna take my time.”

Right. Right. _Slow down, Commander._ You take up your drink and the greatest sensation of peace melts into your shoulders. Kaidan’s here, he’s with you, and he loves you. Aside from getting him alone in your cabin sometime, what else do you need? He’s right, there is a chance and there is a purpose. It’s smiling at you right now.

“What you call it?” you ask. “A sanity check?”

“Mm, sanity check.”

You could do with a little sanity.


	3. Moments

Your _dinner-date-thing_ passes by in a blur and before you know it, an hour runs away in a spiral of smiles. Your omni-tool flashes with six new requests and it sounds like Garrus is having kittens over medical distributions in holding bay E24. Never a dull moment.

“Well,” you say, sighing heavily, “I should go.” Yeah great. Can’t you just anchor down into your chair and talk until your legs go numb? Can’t you lean further and further across the table until your holding Kaidan’s hand, both pretending not to notice? Can’t you _at least_ wander off in a daze without any obligations to uphold?

“Yeah, you’re right,” says Kaidan.

 _No, come on, I’m wrong. Tell me to stay._ Oh, don’t be a baby, Shepard, for crying out loud. At least, not too much...

He leans back in his chair, signalling that he’s ready to break away, but just as you get to your feet and look down at him, you notice his smile. It’s warm and honest and adoring. Thank God he doesn’t smile like that all the time, you’d collapse on the bridge more often than the Normandy’s extranet connection.

“I’ll...see you later,” Kaidan adds, noticing you’re not one-hundred percent on form.

It’s difficult to let your guard down in such a busy area, you can’t give _that_ kind of smile, but you can’t leave without settling the craving you’ve felt since setting eyes on him in Vancouver. It’s burning you up inside.

Leaning on the table, you bend down to him and whisper against his ear, “Much later, if you like. You know where to find me.” You place a lingering kiss on his temple and notice his breath shorten. The simplest of kisses never felt so good. He turns toward you as you straighten and, just for a second, you’re inches apart.

If it weren’t for the asari laughing at the next table over, you’d kiss a lot more than Kaidan’s temple. Certain he got the message, you give the slyest wink you’ve ever managed (you are on a _roll_ , Shepard) and stride off.

You glance back at the bottom of the steps and catch his eye. Kaidan’s stood now, running his hands through his hair. He looks so flustered, and damn, are you proud.

 

* * *

 

“Shepard! Behind you!”

 _Right_ behind you, or shooting at you? Can’t tell. Can’t turn. There’s a Cerberus agent in your face and _that_ was the sound of your shield giving out. Fuck. Don’t think. Can’t think—so much adrenaline.

You do the only thing you can and barrel into the fucker who’s about to shoot through your chest plate. He takes the brunt of the fall as you both careen over the cargo boxes and hit the floor. _Shit_ that hurt your wrist— _get off!_ The Cerberus engineer is beneath you, with your right hand jammed beneath his turret pack. With an wild roar, you wrench it free and smash your fist into his helmet.

You don’t have time to beat him into oblivion. _Don’t think_. You draw your spare weapon. Aim. Fire. Your stomach revolts at the close quarter mess, but you _have_ to forget it, Shepard, it’s them or you. _Get up, soldier._

On your feet again and diving for new cover. “Get that shield generator out!” you cry, voice hoarse.

Liara answers you by shattering it in a shower of sparks and smoke.

You charge past Kaidan and drop down nearby, feeling an oppressive weight in the air around him. He’s glowing blue as he wields a deadly combination of biotics and heavy pistol fire.

For a fraction of a second, as you burst from cover and take aim, you notice how beautiful the sky is despite all this bloodshed. It’s bright and open. A chill wind lashes against your face, cooling the sweat on your skin. Jacob and his people will make it.

Kaidan’s got your back. It feels euphoric. You’re unstoppable.

_Fuck you, Illusive Man. This is my team._

* * *

 

1100 HUNDRED: Ex-Cerberus scientists evacuated, minimal casualties. Dr Brynn Cole and her team en route to work on the Crucible. Jacob Taylor available for future Cerberus sabotages.

2036 HUNDRED: Fuel reactors stabilised and online, depot fully operational again. No casualties. Captain Lee Riley served with valour and should receive a commendation for her actions at Cyone.

Two successful missions in one day. It doesn’t really feel like progress, but it’s something to smile about. Boy, have you earned your dinner tonight. You jump down from the shuttle, tug off your helmet, and breathe in the sweet recycled oxygen of the Normandy.

“Nice work, guys,” you say, slapping James’s shoulder as he trundles past.

“Yeah, what with me doing all the work,” he teases. “Next time, EDI, could you point out that the Reaper’s have set up Barrier Engines _before_ the hoard comes? I mean, it’s just a suggestion, no?”

EDI steps down beside you, straight faced and glorious. She sure is beautiful, it’s hard not to stare at her mouth and how little she changes her expression when she talks. You catch yourself wondering if you’d look good made out of metal.

“I like to watch humans work for their survival,” she states in monotone, pausing to out-stare James.

“Uh...” He looks at you with wide eyes. You know she’s joking, you _know_ she is, but...

“That was a joke,” EDI adds.

Confirmation is nice.

You retreat to the corner of the shuttle bay and strip off your armour, stuffing it into the locker with practiced ease. _Ah, that’s better_. You pull your arms back, stretching your chest and easing the stiffness in your back. A yawn tugs at your jaw and the temptation to sleep arises.

You shake your head. Can’t sleep yet, you might have That Dream again. Sometimes it’s better to sleep when you’ve still got thirty other things to worry about—you dream about work, instead. About meetings with the Council; mission briefings in the shuttle; reading your emails; comparing and calculating tactical reports. Boring, unsatisfying, but preferable.

Now settled into comfortable casual wear, you head off to find Kaidan. You’re not even going to pretend you have a reason, you just want to see him. What are the odds he’s still on the Observation Deck, right where you left him after saving Jacob’s ass?

You summon the elevator, smirking, and head to crew deck.

The doors open and the memorial wall greets you. Your smirk fades. You can’t help it. Every time the doors open, you walk out and stand before the list of names. You read them all, or at least the ones you miss the most, and take them in. You carry every name, because someone has to, and a lot of those names are there because of you. _They should be here_. They’re all important and you owe something to each of them. _They’ll never know victory._ But you’ll get it for them.

Rousing yourself with a deep breath, you decide to check on everyone else before Kaidan. If _you_ aren’t okay, how’s your squad holding up?

Chakwas is so tired she has very little to say, but otherwise fine. Garrus has a few wise cracks about Jacob and, damn it, you just can’t help smiling. On your way to Liara’s room someone in the kitchen has the most raucous laugh you’ve ever heard—it’s so ridiculously zealous you end up laughing yourself. Liara’s taken everything in her stride, as usual, and points out how awful it must be for the scientists; thank the Goddess you didn’t inhale any toxic fumes, and hooray everything went according to plan.

As you leave her room, Javik’s voice pierces through the speakers. “Asari, I have finished reading your ‘architectural history’ of my people. You have the most childish view of the world I have ever encountered.”

“Have fun,” you comment over your shoulder, catching Liara growl before the doors woosh shut.

You feel much better already, but again, you stop yourself on the way to the Observation Deck. The memorial wall lurks out the corner of your eye. No, check _everyone_ first.

No one can evade you tonight, not even Cortez who still thinks he’s taking up your time no matter how much you assure him otherwise. It’s hard to break away from the shuttle bay, actually. James and Cortez should have their own chat show. Even a Reaper might stop for half a second just to goggle at their banter.

It’s ten o’clock (by the ship’s time cycle) when you finally head to the Observation Deck. The doors open, you slip inside, and a total smile takes over. A secret smile. The kind you wouldn’t give when others are around. He’s sleeping in the corner chair again.

Has Kaidan been asleep since you left for the fuel depot? No, he must have woken up a couple of times since, but his sleep cycle will be totally out of sync if he keeps this up. You creep closer and brush one hand across his face, your touch steady and tender.

Kaidan stirs, and when his eyes find yours he relaxes into your palm. “Hey there,” he purrs. Man, his voice sounds great when he wakes up.

“Hey.”

“You alright?”

You crouch down by his chair and Kaidan leans over to kiss your forehead.

“Just checking in,” you reply. The press of his lips soothes away the last of your worries, and exhaustion hits you like a brick wall.

“What time is it?” he asks, fumbling with his data pad as it falls between his knees.

“Ten o’five.”

“What?” Kaidan straightens up and glances out the window, even though he knows that won’t give any indication as to the time of day. “You left without waking me.” He looks a little hurt, despite trying to play it off.

“Didn’t have the heart,” you reply, straightening up to give him a warm, lingering kiss. Kaidan smiles against your mouth.

“Heh, well, thanks but...next time: wake me.” There’s a seriousness in his eyes, he’s imploring for you not to do that again. And then it clicks.

_One day, you might not come back._

* * *

 

Thessia.

A ringing fills your ears.

Thessia.

You can’t stop thinking that one word. You whisper it to yourself—it’s a good word.

Thessia.

The shower cascades over your head and hammers into your shoulders like steel rain. Not hot enough. It should burn. You turn up the heat, staring at the wall. The shower’s hiss reminds you of com static and voices whisper in your ear. It’s happened before, after long missions with poor com traffic, but not like this.

_Anyone on this frequency? This is Lieutenant..._

Shit. Shit. _Shit._ What was her name?

And you’ve lost before... _but not like this_. You’ve never lost completely, there’s always been some small success. Not this time.

In that moment, for the first time, you could do nothing. Absolutely nothing. Despite working at your best: you saved no one today. You stood and watched, because even if you had tried to run at the descending Reapers just to save one life, you never would have made it. That utterly defeated feeling—you’ve never experienced it before. There’s always been one last push, or one life rescued. There’s always been information to hand over, or an objective recovered.

Thessia.

Not this time.

_My squad is trapped! I say again, is anyone on this frequency?_

The voice crackles through the shower spout and deep inside your head.

_The lieutenant’s down, the whole zone is collapsing._

You still live to report your failure.

_I saw them... Wait. I’ve got a Reaper inbound!_

You doubt that you’ll ever forget her frantic pleas.

Or the way you heard her scream in your ear and watched from afar as the Reaper descended. Then the next lieutenant spoke. And the next Reaper landed. And the succession of command continued to die right next to your ear—far over in the next district, just across the water...

Kai Leng. Kai Leng. _Kai Leng._ KAI — you punch the wall and barely suppress a roar. You know what? You _love_ to hate him. You want to despise every fibre of his being and take this all out on him. Rip off those stupid fucking goggles and see fear in his eyes: see what kind of man he really is.

“Taunt me next time, fucker, and I’ll rip your eyes out.”

Sure, you don’t miss being the Illusive Man’s super duper special snowflake, but Kai Leng’s attitude—the way he waltzes around and drops melodramatic comments—it’s as if he wants to say ‘you could have been the Illusive Man’s favourite but you’re too stupid to have taken that chance.’ How dare he walk all over you. How dare he even _consider_ himself better than you.

You spin around, throwing water across the bathroom, and punch the other wall. You watch water droplets slide down the steamy mirror and you take a moment to calm down, panting with barely contained rage.

Thessia.

Your rage collapses.

A whole world died today. For nothing. Even when you destroyed the batarian home world, you did it knowing you’d delayed the Reapers for a few more crucial months. Making that decision had _hurt_. But this?

The asari councillor is making preparations to preserve her culture. If you’d just climbed out of the crumbled temple floor a little faster, tried harder to find handholds, then maybe, maybe you could have...

“Shepard,” you jump at EDI’s voice, “Kaidan is requesting to enter your cabin.”

You desperately do not want to turn him away, but you are not in a good state. No one can see you like this, not even Kaidan. You _are_ his commanding—wait. No. He out ranks you now. Well shit. Regardless, this is your ship and your crew and fuck it.

“Let him in,” you say, resigned to the fact that you just need to tell someone: _I am not okay._ How do you do that with your dignity still intact?

Poor Joker. You shouldn’t have yelled at him earlier. He was only trying to help. And Anderson, he’s worried; so worried about _you_ that he’s making other people do psyche checks on the down low. Missing Anderson feels like a stab to the chest.

The cabin door hisses and thuds open outside the bathroom. Boots pace across the linoleum floor.

“Shepard?”

“I’m in the—give me a moment.” _Give me five hours. Could you just sit out there and me in here? That would be great._

Honestly, you fucking baby.

“Alright.” He’s probably taken a seat on the couch. He probably _would_ wait five hours if you needed him to.

You burry your face in your hands and scrape your fingers across your scalp. A long, deep, unending sigh.  Even if no one visited you it wouldn’t change the fact that you have shit to do, Commander. Get out the goddamn shower.

_My squad is trapped! Shepard, where is Shepard? Someone—oh Goddess!_

You bite down on your fist to suppress the first and last sob you’ll let loose.

Thessia.

Swallowing your tears before they can take hold, you rub your eyes clean and massage your forehead in an attempt to ease out the serious frown lines. Shower off; phantom static still whispers in your head.

_Hello, this is Lieutenant..._

Your head jerks in a violent attempt to shake out their voices. Smearing water and steam across the mirror does nothing to clear it, and you squint at yourself—rub your jaw, pull at your eyes. It’s hard to tell but you think you don’t look too bad. You towel-dry as quick as possible, pull on your N7 pants. Before you can finish drying down your torso, however...

Kaidan knocks on the door. “Shepard, are you okay?” His voice is soft and unassuming. He’s not asking why you’re taking too long, he’s asking about _you_.

“I...”  You brace against the sink. “I’ve been better.”

“May I come in?”

A tiny part of you is amused. You glance down at your bare chest and water-speckled arms. Being a marine can be satisfying when you know that you’re technically in peak physical condition. Psychological state is secondary at this point, let’s be honest.

“Sure,” you reply.

The door opens and you remain braced against the sink, watching. Kaidan sucks in a breath and glances away, but he can’t resist looking. His smirk is fleeting as he meets your eye. You try to smile. A shard of warmth pierces your heart but you don’t deserve him today. You should be alone, like all the families who lost loved ones on Thessia. Oh God, what if you lost Kaidan?

You’ve thought about it before; you had to choose between his life and Ashley’s once. No, don’t think about that. Of all the things to recall, that was dumb. You cringe and curl one fist over your stomach, as if you can crush the guilt eating you alive.

He clutches the doorframe. “Shepard, I don’t really know what to say, but I know you can’t be okay right now. I heard you ripped into Joker pretty badly earlier. I just want you to know that I’m here for you, and that it wasn’t your fault.”

Kaidan inches into the tiny bathroom and traces his fingers over your shoulder blades; down your back, brushing water droplets around in curved lines.

“Not my fault?” you half-laugh. “It might not be my fault, but...” You shake your head. You can still see Reapers landing in the streets, outlined against a red sunset sky. What is the Catalyst? The ever present fucking question and you _lost_ the answer—you lost the data to Kai Leng! Your knuckles whiten against the basin and you shake your arms, glad you can’t actually rip the sink off the wall because, damn, would you like to.

“I let Leng get away,” you hiss.

Kaidan squeezes your arm. “We’ll think of something else. It doesn’t matter.”

“It does matter!” You shove backwards and glare at him. “What else are we supposed to do? I can’t pull answers out of my ass. Shepard this, Shepard that, Shepard will know—I don’t fucking know!”

Shouting when you’re only half dressed feels a little stupid. So much for dignity. You grab your shirt off the shelf, but you’re shaking so hard you’ll probably just get your head stuck in the arm hole. You screw it up instead and throw it into the corner of the room.

“I can barely take care of my own team, everything is sheer dumb luck with me. The fact that I’m alive at all is a freak of nature.” You spread your arms wide, emphasising the point, and Kaidan’s hurt eyes take all of you in. It’s a surprise he hasn’t interrupted you yet.

Tears sting your eyes. “I don’t wanna do this anymore.”

Right. Now you really need to stop talking. You might love Kaidan, but his morale is still a matter of professionalism. You hang your head in shame and suck in a deep breath through your teeth. No one can know that you’re afraid of failing—really afraid. This _helplessness_ is the most sick you’ve felt in a long time.

“I didn’t mean that,” you lie. “I’m fine, just angry. We...we have to fight the Reapers.”

“Same old line,” he whispers, and hooks his arms under yours. There’s no resistance, your arms automatically slide around his broad shoulders. You hide your mouth against his neck as if to make sure you don’t blurt out anything else that’s inappropriate.

Kaidan rubs your back, pressing his thumbs into the muscular grooves, and places a tender kiss on your cheek. He speaks in a whisper, lips half pressed to your skin. “You’re not a robot, so stop trying to act like one. You don’t have to be invulnerable all of the time.”

You cringe. Grip his shirt tight.

“Millions of people died,” you say.

“I know. Millions of people have died almost every day this month. Palaven, Earth, Dekunna, Thessia...” He expels a heavy breath into the curve of your neck. “But it’s not your fault.”

“I know. _I know._ ” Your eyes burn and you close them firmly, pressing your cheek against his. You just want to meld into one person; keep this closeness and nothing else. “Maybe.”

“There’s no ‘maybe’ about it.”

“Look it’s not that, alright?” You ease out of his grip and push past to retrieve your shirt. It’s practically sopping. Of course you threw it into the dampest corner of the room. You distract yourself by ringing it out and then stretching it over your head, shivering.

“No? Then what is it? You can’t keep shrugging everything off and saying ‘I need to kill all the Reapers.’ How far is that bravado going to carry you?” Kaidan grips your arm as you try to leave the bathroom. Looking into his rich brown eyes, you feel moved by his concern.

“I know you think you have to keep face for the rest of us,” he says, “you’re always there for everyone else. But you need to let someone be there for you, too. You’re only human, Shepard.” His grip strengthens; eyes alight with sincerity. “I’ve been through a lot with you—hell, I should have been with you through the Omega 4 Relay—I’m not about to freak out if you admit that you’re not okay right now. Remember when we stole the SR-1? Heck, I’d kinda like it if you _did_ show something other than anger.”

For a moment you glare at him, preparing to chew him out like you did with Joker. If only you weren’t prone to quavering under his stern gaze. It’s like a kick to the abdomen whenever Kaidan gets like this.

You sigh and lean back into the bathroom to kiss his ample mouth, brushing your hand over his hip. His lips match yours as you press deeply into him: warm, soft, calming. When you pull away you offer a sad smile, and Kaidan lets your arm slip from his grasp.

You head over to the steps leading into your main cabin and pause at the top. “Kaidan,” you say softly. You push your hands into your pockets, suppressing another chilly shiver. It takes over your whole body. “I couldn’t do anything.”

Kaidan’s firm hands find your biceps and he grips you from behind. His sturdy, reassuring hold absorbs some of your tremors and he presses his forehead to the back of your neck.

What else is there to say? You can’t think of a better way to put it. You stood there and watched Thessia burn and you did nothing to stop it, because there _was_ nothing you could have done.

“I had to walk away.” You shake your head. “Millions dead, all for nothing. And I just watched.”

Touching one of Kaidan’s hands before pulling away again, you head down the steps and over to the bed. You perch on the end, hunching over, hands clasped and elbows on knees. Without hesitating, Kaidan sits beside you. Neither of you speak for a few moments, the cabin’s ambience dominated by the fish tank’s bubbling water filter.

In the end, Kaidan reaches over and pushes your hands apart, pushes his fingers between yours, and holds your hand.

“If you start and never stop,” he said, “you cannot fail.” He gives you an embarrassed smile. “It’s something my dad always says. I think that’s one of the reasons why I like you so much. You live up to that saying better than anyone I know.  No matter what gets in your way, no matter who holds you back: you keep going. It’s as if you believe there’s a solution to everything—”

“Yeah, I wish.”

Kaidan’s brow creases and his hand smoothes around your wrist. “I’m just saying... We’ll find a way.”

_On my way! No—Reaper. Reaper! This is Lieutenant..._

You cringe and clench both hands around his. “I hope so.”

Kaidan runs his free fingers up the back of your neck. Every line on his face is etched with empathy and longing, like he would give anything to make you feel better. _Oh, Kaidan._ That’s not necessary, it’s not his responsibility.

Gazing into his eyes you feel a blissful, broken, burning ache twist your heart in two. You glance at his lips and the rest is magnetic. You’re drawn to him like the last two people left alive. You’ve been patient, _very_ patient, but now you need to touch as much of him as possible. Gripping his collar, you pull him gently but firmly into your kiss.

He lets a pleasurable moan tumble across your chin as you mould around his upper lip, running your tongue across the faint scar there. His hands glide over your cheeks, holding you close, his kisses hot and hungry and numbing.

You stroke down his neck, down the curves of his arms, and then press your palms against his chest. Your hands slide up to his shoulders, really absorbing as much of him as possible, until the only way you can be any closer is to engulf him in your arms.

Kaidan clings to you, breath heavy against your ear. “I love you, Shepard.”

You place a tender kiss on his neck, your eyes hot with tears. “And I love you, Kaidan.”

He doesn’t comment upon the gruffness of your voice. He squeezes you, and he waits until you’re ready to let go.


End file.
